3rd Book of Tyrants 29:6

"My lord I love Angileen so much I feel like I can"t control my self every time I see her, I would rather die than be separated from her for even a single night." Pleaded the criminal before the Eternal President Carpathia in the chamber of truth and reconciliation. "How can you say you love her if you cant even eat her poop, honestly how can you?" said Carpathia, "I shall give you a light sentencing for your youthful misguidance, you will be fined all of your assets and belongings, you shall also attend 12 months of Carpathian reeducation coarse. Upon rehabilitation you shall be hanged for four days to serve as an example. As for the harlet Angileen she shall be rehabilitated in my chambers for the next two weeks or until I grow tired of her presence."

3rd Book of Tyrants 28:9

Within the chambers of the ovarian obelisk surrounded by silk curtains atop a pile of pillows lay the the prime minister Ted reciting the ballad of his encounters with the Kragadorian beast to a harem of women as they pleased them selves to his large forehead while unic slaves massaged their feet and stirred a massive cauldron of potpourri.

"And each time I layed with the Kragadorian beast my powers grew greater still," he exclaimed as he trust the gorgarian horn cod piece in to the air, "I achieved immortality three fold." As the women swooned at his story, to appease their lust he unlatched the chains that kept the cod piece atop his groin and cast the 75 stone piece aside crushing a unic. he then dove into the harem as hte wemon giggled and shouted.

3rd Book of Tyrants 27:4

Deep in hall the masterbatorium amid the polished marble floors and golden statues the three fathers of the federal dictators ship and the grand seminal fountains crafted by an army of 12,000 slaves in front of a 20 foot tall tapestry made of died silk woven with ruby's and gorgarian tusk, secretary general Slovenstine addresses a large assembly of naked harry men recalling his battles with enemy of the state the Fallen Prince Von-Ryan.

"And when he finished devouring the last puppy the the evil prince turned his attention to the children and priests hiding in the church. As he drew near and caught the scent of the helpless flock our great Eternal President Carpathia swooped down from the sky riding on a winged lizard wielding a flaming sword. Oh the battle was amazing... I have since forgotten most of the details but in the end the eternal president drove off the fallen prince put lost his right arm in the mother of all battles."

3rd Book of Tyrants 19:67

"As the the first decree of the Eternal President of Carpathias Grand Tedpathianstine Empire, will be to sponsor the building a grand masterbatorium on this very spot," said newly crowned Eternal President Carpathia in the center of a large crowd of emaciated men and women. "This masterbatorum shall only be opened to the men of the nation and here they may gaze upon the full glory of the the three founding fathers federal dictatorship, which incidentally shall be the only sexual gratification they are allowed."

"Women on the other hand shall spend the first 18 years of their lives preparing for marriage, and upon their 18th year shall be sent to Carpathias palace to prove their home keeping prowess. If these women are of less than 300 stones I reserve the right of premaknocta in Carpathias chambers for an indefinite amount of time."

2nd Book of Tyrants 30.19

The three men sit at a camp fire roasting pomegranates.

"With Carpathias charms and whit, Teds large pike and Slovinstines... arm we will kill Von-Ryan and reclaim the throne of the Hellenic Empire and live forever as gods on earth. From this day on we shall be known as the Grecian Triumvirate."

2nd Book of Tyrants 15.3

"And that is why I spend six months in the woods trying to lay with the Kragadorian beast for a third time."

"Well that interesting...Hey look at that." cried out Slovinstine pointing to a mass floating down the river.

The two approach a massive raft made of gold and ivory with silk tapestries for sails, on this raft they find the body parts of hundreds of slaves and one man with only one arm barely alive gnawing on the leg of a slave.

2nd Book of Tyrants 1.1

"Vengeance on Von-Ryan" Shouts a gangly bearded man with large ears and a pronounced forehead as he hobbles down a road holding a silver pike in one hand.

In the distance he sees a abstract mass almost seven feet tall, he heaves his pike in its direction and feebly charges across the ground.

"Aghast," shouts a faral character as he jumps out from behind the massive shield.

"For a moment I thought you were my nemesis Von-Ryan," said the bearded man.

"I too search for a nemesis said the feral man, his name is ... What did say your nemeses name was?"

"Von-Ryan" proclaimed the bearded man.

Yes that was his name said the Ferrel man, the man we seek is one in the same, join me Slovinstine in my quest of vengeance."

"Yes I am the great, immortal, and knowledgeable wizard who's powers have shattered empires and slayed dragons for over 3000 years. My very name has frozen knights with terror and caused kings to end their own lives to escape my wrath greater than the gods them selves. My name is one that must be spoken softy as to not strike old women lame or deafen children."

"What is this name my lord?" asks Slovenstine as a quiver shoots down his hump.

"I am known among mortals Ted, Ted Jones."

Slovenstine' s eyes fill with tears and vomits upon hearing the name, as he falls to his knees he loses control of his bladdrer then faints as his body falls in to a pile of horse dung aside the road he loses control of his bowels. as he lies in the horse dung and his own dung his nose begins to bleed.

Book of Von-Ryan Ch 21:5

"If only I had my extremely light weight and agile giant roach hide shield, it's scent would certanly draw the Kragadorian beast from its layer," said Lucicus Von-Harris to his hunting companion Vulcancreed Von-Ryan. The two had seen many hunts together and were said to be linked to the others faith due to their bizarre hyphenated middle names.

"Oh, thank the gods my lords for saving me, I have been lost in this wood for nigh 6 months." Said a gangly man with a scruffy beard, large ears, pronounced forehead as he crawled from the shrubs and towards the hunting party.

"My good fellow the nearest town is just down this cobble stone street follow the signs and you should be there in two minutes or you could ask one of those wagon teams for a ride since you appear some what malnourished, but before you go take this solid silver pike to defend your self from bandits that strike no nearer or further than 12 feet away."

"May the gods bless you sirs said the man as he took the joust and held in high in the air, and what is your name good hunter."

"Vulcancreed Von-Ryan, and yours?"

"Why I am the well respected...gaa" and the man was cut down by a bolt of lightning attracted to the pike before he could reveal his name.

Book of Von-Ryan Ch 20.5

"My good sir I need my rare and extremely light and agile giant roach hide shield repaired, I trust you have the skills," said Luscious Von-Harris as he tossed the seven foot tall shield to the Slovenstine. As Slovinstine walked to retrieve the shield his limp became apparent and revealed a large hump on his back as he bent over to retrieve the shield.

"My good sir I must inquire as to how all those shards of metal became embedded in your arm and face."

"A failed experiment," he snorted as he began to pound away at the shield.

Feeling unwelcome Von-Harris pardons himself to get a drink, "your shield is done," says Slovinstine as he turns to find no one waiting to pay, "Curse you Von-Harin...Von-Haren...Von-... I swear to take revenge upon you with the very shield you so brazenly mock me with."

Book of Mr. Vengance 20:1

"NO NO NO NO" screamed Carpathia "Not my arm" as I ripped his left arm from its socket and then proceeded to beat him unconscious with it and set fire to his compound. "I hope I must never deal with this cretin again."

Book of Mr. Vengance 7.7

"As I walked thought the compound I saw Carpathia atop a crystal pyramid covered in carvings of his face and loins. Carpathia himself was surrounded by a horde of slaves chanting his name as they bathed him in honey and wine and jams and then licked him clean. At the base of the pyramid more slaves still worshiped life like golden statues of him. But in the distance I could see a pile of bodies in the center of a puddle of blood, decapitated at the behest of Carpathias madness. As I walked through this estate sale like atmosphere I thought welcome to crazivill."

-Von-Ryan-

Book of Revival 72:9

"King, arch lord, prophet, master Carpathia, Von-Ryan is at the gates," cried a slave boy to the dear leader. Shocked by the news his hand slumped into a barrel of sparkling champagne.

Book of Revival 36:10

"And he who brings the head of Von-Ryan impaled atop a great golden pile encrusted in ruby's and scented in fine perfumes from the east, they shall dine with Carpathia for two nights consecutively and barrow the most mongral of Carpathias concubines when Cartpathia is on vacation." He said as three of his slaves dipped his hand in a vat of honey and held it to his mouth.

Book of Revival 10:15

"And the penelty for not bowing before Carpahia's golden staure every time you pass is beheding," read Carpathia from his sacred silk scrool.

Book of Revival 1:1

As Carpathia's two surviving slaves drug Carpahia's charred body from the hearth after the epic battle with lord Von-Ryan, Carpathia said "Carpathia is resurrected spread the word to the three corners of the world." He proclaimed his faux gospel to the crowd gathered by the cesspool.

Book of Patriots Ch. 10:17

"After I dispatched his slaves I hacked off his legs with my golden sword and tossed his body in the hearth to burn like the rotten piece of blubber he was. The victory came so easy it is barely worth mention in this epic chronicle."

-Von-Ryan-

Book of Patriots Ch. 2:9

"From the moment I met Carpathia and saw his 763 slaves rubbing him in olive oil I knew he was preturbed."

-Von-Ryan-

The Book Tyrants Ch 97:74

"Carpathia thinks Von-Ryan should die a slow and painful death," Niccoli Carpathia murmured as he pulled himself out of the hearth only to realize he had lost both of his legs during the mother of all battles.

The Book Tyrants Ch 6.16

"Carpathia would like to see Von-Ryan top that," Said Nicoli Carpathia holding a still beating hear in his hand, as the stood atop prymid of slaves all chanting 'Carpathia.'

With out hesitation Von-Ryan turns atound and plunges his right fist into a tree and pulls out its wooden heart still pumping sap, he then reaches through the hole in the tree with his left hand and pulls out the still beating heart of a dire bear.

2nd Book of Von-Ryan Ch 56:9

"Then when he went went to face the mighty dragon Kragador, I never saw him again," rambled Recalisatricks. The executioner pulled the leaver and the old man fell thought the trapdoor of the gallows.

"If only he had left me alone," thought the young boy as on lookers tossed cabbage and foul tomatoes at the dangling corpse.

2nd Book of Von-Ryan Ch 18:7

"Von-Ryan stormed into the great hall in the middle of the feast and tossed the bloody head of the goblin king onto the the lord's silver dish. 'It is done' he said and then turned and left in silence," shouted Recalsatricks as he was dragged thought the busy market place by the patty wagon and on lookers stared in dismay and jeered the old man.

2nd Book of Von-Ryan Ch 6.9

"And that is how Von-Ryan killed the goblin horde with a ham hock," said Rekalsitricks.

"Stop following me," said the young boy. "I'll fetch a squire if I must."

2nd Book of Von-Ryan Ch 1.1

"I saw Von-Ryan soaring through the air in a cloud of dust, I was lifted off my feet and thrusted into the lake of sulfur where I was terribly disfigured. I then realized that he had saved my life." Said Recalsatrix as he pointed his fleshy stump into the darkness of the knight.

"I just asked if you knew the way to the market," said the young man.

Book of Corrupt Justice Ch. 26:41

And then the moon turned red, and she knew that it was over.

Book of Corrupt Justice Ch. 10:14

"And that is why you should never lay with a dog." He told Monchina with a forlorn look in his eyes. Monochina then reached up and wiped the tears from his face, she now understood why he had killed his brother.

Book of Corrupt Justice Ch. 6:1

Olvarious then stated the obvious, "Volcanious has contracted herpes from his lack of realizing his mother and brothers intimate relationship, that is why he was acting crazy Monchina!"

Book of Von-Ryan Ch. 23:6

It was then I realized I could not defeat the Kragadorian monster!

Book of Von-Ryan Ch 17.99

Today I walked to work, it was very invigorating. On my way to work a cat approached, I expected it to flee, but instead it charged me like a wild rhinoceros. And that is when I realized it was a wild and free weasel with a long flowing tail. As it closed in for the kill it darted at my throat, I took a defensive stance and kicked it thought the air. When it landed it cracked its head open on the curb. The I picked it up and skinned it, I then offered the pelt to a prospective mate.

Days and Years

Birthday today, no presents.