Christmas Cards

A Christmas card for one of my dear friends.

Thanksgiving Turkey????

Today a friend of mine invited me over to his house for thanksgiving dinner.  I asked if there was going to be mustard on the sandwiches, because as everyone should know by now I can not eat mustard for religious reasons.  I was rather surprised to hear that my friend and his wife had forgone the traditional feast of sandwiches for an actual turkey and dressing, which I assume will top a salad of some sort.

This forced me to ask why they would go to so much trouble preparing a meal for a casual drinking holiday.  At that point he seemed rather confused, he was not the only one.  We eventually agreed to meet at a local drinking establishment after he finished the fancy meal with his wife. 

After our conversation I spent a few moments reminiscing on Thanksgiving days past.  I remember how simple things were in my child hood when my extended family would gather at our home with a feast of turkey sandwiches (we had ham one year but the aftermath left several in jail and a local truck driver paralyzed).  I remembered how great uncle Travis would offer me his flask of aged brandy and take off his shirt and ask me to do the same, the wrestling that ensued would draw in the rest of the family and occasionally a passing traveler of the night.  On the morrow we would all go our separate ways and promise to meet up again at Christmas, then everyone would leave one-by-one with great fan fair, promising to meet again at Christmas.  And as soon as they were all gone we would pull out a legal pad and some pens and write out our excuses as to why, due to weather or tragedy, we could not attend the Christmas festivities.

How I miss the days of my youth!

Tome of Mortals 14:1

The rusted chains jingled as the Gay Lord was dragged from the dungeon and tossed at the feet of The Great Leader Carpathia.  The Lord was gaunt and pale from lack of food and sun.  Traces of his green eyeliner still clung to his eye lids lending him a queer and freightening look.

"This is the one?" Inquired The Great Leader Carpathia. 

"Aye," cracked the one eyed dungeon master.

The Great Leader Carpathia turned to his wise council Slovenstine.  "Can you prove he is a gay sodomite with scientific methodelogy?"

Slovensteine was silent for a moment as he scratched at a metal shard embeded in his arm.

"Then perhaps you shold try."

Slovenstein grinned, "I may not be able to prove his guilt to you, but I know of one who may.  Her name is Moonchina and she is the wisest of women."

The Great Leader Carpathia pointed his wooden arm out the great window.  "Bring her too my council and waste no time in doing so."

500

Wow 500 page views.

Most popular blogs get that many views in a week or even a day but it only took this simple blog 4 years. 

I think a special thanks needs to go out to my 2 followers.  Keep up the good work you guys!

Thanks and keep bloggin!

The Tome of Mortals 13:4

Von-Harris sprang from behind the crumbling stone wall, his golden hair shining in the waining sun light.  In a flash he slew 10 goblins and sent a dozen more fleeing back to their hold.

"Von-Harris You have returned, ad just in time!" remarked Von-Ryan.

"My quest was perilous.  I had to travel far in to the uncharted lands of the west.  There I fought creatures made of wood who wished to tear me limb to limb with daggers made of icicles.  I rode acrose the black sea on the back of a giant beast.  I climbed atop the emense towers of an ancient fortress said to be made by giants in age before men.  But finally I found a hair salon where I obtained the perm and conditioning treatment I sought.  I then rushed to rejoin you and young Recalsatrikx before my hair list volume."

"And just in the nick of time!" said Recalsatrix.

Von-Ryan embraced his friend.  "I feared I would never see you again, kin of my name."

"Fear not for I have reutrned. I learned much on my quest, now I agree we must rid the land of this Federal Dictatorship that would destroy every hair salon in the reach.  And I shall have the scalp of Carpathia once and for all."

The Tome of Mortals 9:5

Von-Ryan and Recalsatrix sat at the table in the grand garden watching a small monkey climb a percimon tree as they waited for their host to make his apperance.

"You have scarcely touched your ail my lord.  Is something amiss?" ask Recalssatrix.

Von-Ryan shifted his eyes to the monkey who sat on a branch eating a frest percimion.

"I don't trust that monkey."

The Tome of Mortals 7:8

"A blade of ancient Raliarian dragon steel?  Only a dozen such weapons exist in all the Norther Reach how did you...?" inquired the warrior.  "And...you would trade such a rare and ancient weapon for a simple length of felt?"

The short man knotted his head furiously and tossed the blade at the warriors feet.  The warrior pulled the scarf from his neck.  the short man clawed it form his hand and held it to the light to admire it.

The warrior carefully lifted the sword from the ground and dusted the shining blade clean.  With out a word he smiled and walked away with ancinet blade in hand.

"Fool!!!" proclaimed the monk as soon as the warrior was out of earshot.  "You could never comprehend the value of this relic you so foolishly bartered away!"

"Gods be blessed the sacred relic has been returned.  Now I can awaken the ice giants and forever rid the world of the non-beleivers."

Book of Kings 12:6

Yarsen set off with his seven sworn swords afoot.

"We ride to the north.  We shall meet this Carpathia and his federal dictatorship."

"Then what my lord?" Asked Javen the fourth of his sworn swords.

"And then... we shall see."

Book of Kings 9:18

Ted summoned a great lighting bolt which he shot at the young King Yarsen.  Yarsen tried to dodge but was grazed, falling to a battlement below.

As he struggled to regain his footing he heard a great horn echoing thought the castle walls.  A great host of men form the Bi-Bar stormed out of the woods clad in leather and wearing strange masks.  They took Teds host of summoned stone frogs from behind, smashing them ruthlessly as one would only expect form kin of the Gaylord.

"We are saved," shouted Erick first of the sworn swords.

Yarsen raised his sword to Ted once again.  Erick rushed to his side clutching his sword in one hand and dirk in the other, but in a flash the wizard disappeared.

"We have not seen the last of him I fear."  Proclaimed Yarsen to Erick.

Book of Kings 5:9

"With the Gaylords to the south broken we can martial our forces and march on White Spring and lay siege to the castle Fair Weather,  their boy king will break by winter,"  proclaimed the great wizard Ted.

"Winter draws ever near," Warned Slovinstine.

Lord Carpathia pondered for a moment.  "If we march to White spring our rear would be exposed to any force the Gaylords could muster.  They could easily hammer us into the ground when we broke to make camp."

"Then we shall smash their supply lines, order our men to burn every hair salon and accessories shop from the border to White Spring.  Let us see how these Gaylords fair with frizzy hair and last seasons cod pieces," Proclaimed Ted.

Carpathia smiled.  "Go forth and take what what you will."

Youtube

My first attempt at making a splash on Youtube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFB4tzD_Y5s&feature=plcp

Book of Kings 3:1

"There is an eyelash in Carpathia's broth.  Who is responsible for this hideous crime against the federal dictatorship?  No one wishes to answer... Then you shall all die."

As soon as the words were spoken Slovinstine activated a dastardly device.  As he worked the pump the device sprayed flaming oil on the group of children that had prepared the meal for their great leader.

"This is Carpathia's finest name day to date," proclaimed Carpathia as he watched the burning children scurry about the great hall.

Stand up act part 2

Is it just me or does all of this seem a little sinister?  Outside forces seem to hold a huge amount of sway in too many people’s lives.  While everyone is distracted up-dating their Facebook status and complaining about the ‘super hero 4’ movie they saw in theaters last weekend and how much better ‘super hero 2’ was, the banks are foreclosing on their houses and dissolving their retirement funds.

Facebook status: thinking about pie

Bank of America IRA: $21.07

I would say something is wrong with the world in this blog posting… but everyone hates a hypocrite.

Let me move on to something everyone hates politicians.  Yeah their so stupid with their ideas and taxes.  All they ever did is ensure my freedom of speech, and right to a fair trial.  And as for those taxes I don’t know where they are spending them except for on roads and schools and healthcare plans.  Yeah f___ those guys and all the social progress they bring with them.  Everyone knows the heroes of the modern world are bloggers, we always expose the truth to our two or three followers and then… post pictures of cats.  And that is where our two or three followers come in and repost our exposed truths on Tumblr.  Before you know it our exposed truths are buried under a pile of shit that tumbled down a mountain side.

Alright so even I have to admit blogs are as big a pile of shit as anything else you find on the internet or TV.  They might even be worse because it seems like all they promote is shamelessly redistributing other peoples work and ideas with some sarcastic comments attached.

At this point I think I have ranted for long enough, and you are probably thinking that was amusing but what is the point to all of this.  Or “What an arrogant Dickhead.  If you are so smart what else do you suggest we do?”  I will be the first to admit I don’t have all the answers, or any at all concerning math, but I do have an idea.  Slow down a bit and spend some quality time with your friends face to face (turn iphone off).  Spend time with your family without the TV on.  Spend time with your lover without watching German porn and hinting at how exiting whips look.

Book of Tharasis 74:6

And Yarsen returned to the great castle of Fair Weather clad in golden armor, brandishing an ax of crystal, riding atop a mythical Zebra he had tamed, and trotting by his side was the hound king bound to the end of a length of leather.

As he entered the castle the crowds cheered and whaled, and his fathers sworn swords lead him to an alter where his father’s body lay peacefully.  They placed the silver crown of the kingdom on his head.  A tear came to the prince’s eye as he took the feathered throne.

“All hail King Yarsen, defeater of the Gay Lords, friend of Goblin kind, master of dog an zebra alike, Son of Tharasis the Great,” cried the general.

Again the crowd cheered, but all Yarsen wanted was to ride through the wilds on his zebra with Rex leading a pack or hounds.

Book of Tharasis 50:4

“You fool boy you should have realized I was an agent of the Gay Lords,  Feelgood is an ancient gayish name,” proclaimed the Dr.

Yarsen flung mud onto the Dr’s leather apron.

“Curse you,” shouted the Dr. as he stumbled to the ground.  “My gorgarian leather apron is ruined!”

Yarsen regained his footing.  “I defeated the entire host of the Gay Lords at the battle of Mulgen Field.  What threat do you think you could pose me?”

The Dr. laughed. “Perhaps, or perhaps I was far more clever than you and poisoned you when I cured your ail.  With out the root of the white fern you shall perish in only a few weeks time.”

Yarsen knew the White fern grew in the near by Western Wood, but the wood was ruled by the wicked Goblin Clan.

Battle Art

And here is some more art, this image depicts two goblins of the western wood attacking a Gay Lord of the north.

Book of Tharasis 41:9

The young prince was grateful that the mysterious Dr. Feel good had cured his ail, but he was beginning to regret the oath he had taken to help the Dr. defeat a strong hold of “medical professionals.”  He had heard of  the deeds of such men who washed and cut and subdued their patients with mysterious gasses rather than the traditional autumn rum.  But he wondered why the Dr. so wanted them dead?

“What is your game,”asked the prince?  “Why do you so wish to defeat the medical professionals?”  

“ In due time,” said the Dr. “All will be clear.”

His words did little to silence the prince’s fears.

Book of Tharasis 40:9

The young prince was stricken with a strange illness to the end that he could only stand.  Though he would sit or lay atop a feather bed after only a moment he would spring to his feet again and pace the length of his room.  

The local lord who hosted him was distraught by his prince’s condition.  He called forth alchemists and necromancers to aid the boy, but none could cure his ail.  After days the prince was tired and all were scared.

Finally a mysterious man in a leather apron came to the prince’s side he carried a great wooden box filled with potions and terrifying tools of his trade.  He observed the boy for only a moment before he made his diagnosis.

“wrestles leg syndrome,” proclaimed the mysterious man.  “And I Dr. Feelgood can tell you how to cure your ail, but I must ask for your assistance in a certain matter.”

Book of Tharasis 30:2

Caked in mud and dung the great lord of the Gay Lords trembled beneth Yarsen and his brave band.

"You have broken my host, slain my kin, and bested me in single combat... but worst of all, these stains shall never wash out!"

The ragged band of men gathered around Yarsen cheered and hollered.  "Three yelps for the defender of the land prince Yarsen the clever!"  Shouted a young squire.

the men yelped and celebrated into the night.  But as Yarsen watched the sun set across the western wood he knew his quest was far from over.

Contest

Wow our first ever contest!  And the prize is a slightly used copy of a A Clash of kings the second book in George R.R. Martin's fantasy epic.  This is a hard cover 26th edition can be yours for submitting art work or writings to me at thegreatwhitehunterreturns@gmail.com.  The one I favor most will receive this rare treasure valued at nearly $26 (US). 

Good luck, and I look forward to your submissions.

New Logo

The blog's new logo, drawn by yours truly.

Book of Tharasis 29:14

Book of Tharasis 29:14

“The Gay Lords are coming, the Gay Lords are coming!”  Shouted the watchmen from atop his tower.

Young Yarsen peaked over the rotting wooden battlements.  In the distance he could see their host charging forward from the foot hills that lead into the purple mountains to the north.  He could make out their silken capes and brightly colored pantaloons.  They rode atop great white steeds with small bows tied in their manes.  The host lumbered to a halt and one of the lords blew a great horn.  The men shirked and waved their great swords and whips in the air.

Yarsen’s attention was drawn to the muddy court yard below, where a knight of White Spring was razing a racket.  “Let the gods take me before the Gay Lords!!!,” he shouted as he ran a dagger across his wrists and tumbled into a dark puddle.

Yarsen looked below at the remaining few knights and squires, they all seemed shaken by the event.  As he looked from the corpse in the mud to the great host finely dressed in their lordly trappings.  Then he had an idea. He raised his sword and shouted, “None must die on this day, only heed my words, and we may all return home.”

The Great Hunt

Some of you may already know I have an affinity for hunting wolves, well in Mongolia they train eagles to hunt wolves.  Don't beleive? Follow this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Re644qgnCtw

A Great Blog

Here is a link to an interesting Blog I discovered:
http://papersacklifetime.blogspot.jp/2006/11/lies-i-want-to-clear-up-ahead-of-our.html
It hasn't been updated in a while but I found it quite entertaining.

Stand up act part 1

You can’t escape the internet these days.  First it was on computers and everyone was like “yeah free porn.” Then it was on cell phones and everyone was like “now I can keep up with my friends.” Now it’s on these rectangles and everybody watches videos of cats making weird sounds in a card board box.  The most baffling part about this whole evolution is that people insist it has made their lives easier.

Now I know one group has benefited greatly from this whole internet thing the TV people…not the ones form poltergeist either just people who work for TV networks, primarily the news oriented ones.  Now refutable, and I use that term loosely, news agencies just pull stuff off the internet and don’t even attempt to hide it, they just justify it by calling it local reporting. 

What weird backwards era do we live in when CNN can steal footage form a 15-year-olds facebook page and pass it off as a world shaping event.  And to top it all off once they peddle this shit back to the very masses they scavenged it from, they ask you to go back on to your little social networking site and like them or Friend them.  Like a sad little kid on a middle school playground who will give you any of his toys or do your homework as long as you say “come on were friends right? You would do it for a friend?” then you don’t even bother to go to his birthday party a month later.

But it doesn’t matter because let’s face it you have nothing better to do, so you log on and share the link to the link to the link with your three real friends and the other 64 jackasses you haven’t spoken with since high school.  But now you can look like you care because you posted the link to a video about war in Africa.  But then the whole thing back fires when one of your knowledgeable friends posts a link to an article that states that war in Africa is propagated by companies that sap resources form African nations to make computers and cell phones.  And as they sit there on your new mac you realize that you don’t give a flying funk about Africa.

Social networking is something I still have a lot o trouble caring about.  Keeping up with friends is nice… sometimes.  But now all of these sites are saturated by marketing and adds.  Don’t get me wrong I’ll drop by Taco Bell from time to time, but I can’t see myself friending a multinational corporation on facebook, I mean I don’t even know what they’re doing down in Mexico.

Then there is Twitter Which is definitely the worst of these so called societies.  Because it’s so pointless.  What can you say in two sentences that is worth sharing with the world.  Even Einstein who could explain his theory of relativity to an 8-year-old would struggle to describe what he had for lunch in two sentences.

When I was in the navy they had a security campaign that said “loose tweets sink fleets.” First of all a loose tweet sounds like something an align prostitute would suffer from.  Secondly it was a derived from the old WWII “lose lips sink ships” campaign.  And when I say derived from I really mean they just weren’t original enough to make up anything new. 

A question

If the Earth was about to be destroyed and you alone had the chance to escape to mars; but mars was inhabated exclusevely by gay people of your gender, would you go?

Book of Tharasis 21:3

The man in the tattered cloak laughed at the young prince.

"I am the wise wizard of the wood.
Learned in the ways of the lichen,
benevolent as a bee hive
wise as the wind."

Book of Tharasis 17:9

And when Yarsen son of Tharasis came to the port of Dark Haven he meet the explorer Pelicore, who sailed the seas in a ship clad in brass.

the young prince approached the wily sea captain and asked for passage up the icy river Ett.

"I do not sail north young lord," replied the captain between sips of wine.

But like his father, Yarsen was wise and would stop at noting to achieve the passage he sought.

"I was told you were the greatest of captains. I suppose those tales were form a day long past."

The captains snorted. "Boy haven't you heard speak of alchemists and astronomers as of late. The world is said to be round. How can one sail with out sliding off its edge?"

Book of Tharasis 15:9

His seventh son, the strongest and wisest of all his sons wished only to be a kennel master. He took great delight running with the hounds during the hunt, and making camp among the wilds.

To this end the wise king sent his son on a journey to the Kingdom of Rhal to bring back the finest hound to lead his fathers hunting pack.

Little did the boy know the Kingdom of Rhal was ruled by the Canis Rex the Hound Lord.

Book of Tharasis 14:4

A dark time fell upon the land. Even Tharasis was doubtful of the future.

He looked to his general for courage, but was frightened to see he had fallen ill.

He looked to his jester who was purring corner while his cat was dancing on the table, and he knew all would be well.

Book of Tharasis 12:1

Tharasis had seven sons six of whom wanted to be king. Tharasis was wise and knew a land with too many kings was a land torn by war and suffering.

To solve this problem he had his six sons fight to the death the surviving son became king of all the land.

Book of Tharasis 8:4

Tharasis was know as the wisest king an all the lands, and it was to this end that many came to him for his council.

Two women came before him, they quelled over the maternal origin of a babe. Tharasis looked at both of them and declared:

For the sake of the child, he will be handed over to a pair of gay sodomites to be raised, for both of you are unfit mothers.

And all in council agreed Tharasis was truly the wisest king on all the lands.

Imagery