Book of Kings 3:1

"There is an eyelash in Carpathia's broth.  Who is responsible for this hideous crime against the federal dictatorship?  No one wishes to answer... Then you shall all die."

As soon as the words were spoken Slovinstine activated a dastardly device.  As he worked the pump the device sprayed flaming oil on the group of children that had prepared the meal for their great leader.

"This is Carpathia's finest name day to date," proclaimed Carpathia as he watched the burning children scurry about the great hall.

Stand up act part 2

Is it just me or does all of this seem a little sinister?  Outside forces seem to hold a huge amount of sway in too many people’s lives.  While everyone is distracted up-dating their Facebook status and complaining about the ‘super hero 4’ movie they saw in theaters last weekend and how much better ‘super hero 2’ was, the banks are foreclosing on their houses and dissolving their retirement funds.

Facebook status: thinking about pie

Bank of America IRA: $21.07

I would say something is wrong with the world in this blog posting… but everyone hates a hypocrite.

Let me move on to something everyone hates politicians.  Yeah their so stupid with their ideas and taxes.  All they ever did is ensure my freedom of speech, and right to a fair trial.  And as for those taxes I don’t know where they are spending them except for on roads and schools and healthcare plans.  Yeah f___ those guys and all the social progress they bring with them.  Everyone knows the heroes of the modern world are bloggers, we always expose the truth to our two or three followers and then… post pictures of cats.  And that is where our two or three followers come in and repost our exposed truths on Tumblr.  Before you know it our exposed truths are buried under a pile of shit that tumbled down a mountain side.

Alright so even I have to admit blogs are as big a pile of shit as anything else you find on the internet or TV.  They might even be worse because it seems like all they promote is shamelessly redistributing other peoples work and ideas with some sarcastic comments attached.

At this point I think I have ranted for long enough, and you are probably thinking that was amusing but what is the point to all of this.  Or “What an arrogant Dickhead.  If you are so smart what else do you suggest we do?”  I will be the first to admit I don’t have all the answers, or any at all concerning math, but I do have an idea.  Slow down a bit and spend some quality time with your friends face to face (turn iphone off).  Spend time with your family without the TV on.  Spend time with your lover without watching German porn and hinting at how exiting whips look.

Book of Tharasis 74:6

And Yarsen returned to the great castle of Fair Weather clad in golden armor, brandishing an ax of crystal, riding atop a mythical Zebra he had tamed, and trotting by his side was the hound king bound to the end of a length of leather.

As he entered the castle the crowds cheered and whaled, and his fathers sworn swords lead him to an alter where his father’s body lay peacefully.  They placed the silver crown of the kingdom on his head.  A tear came to the prince’s eye as he took the feathered throne.

“All hail King Yarsen, defeater of the Gay Lords, friend of Goblin kind, master of dog an zebra alike, Son of Tharasis the Great,” cried the general.

Again the crowd cheered, but all Yarsen wanted was to ride through the wilds on his zebra with Rex leading a pack or hounds.

Book of Tharasis 50:4

“You fool boy you should have realized I was an agent of the Gay Lords,  Feelgood is an ancient gayish name,” proclaimed the Dr.

Yarsen flung mud onto the Dr’s leather apron.

“Curse you,” shouted the Dr. as he stumbled to the ground.  “My gorgarian leather apron is ruined!”

Yarsen regained his footing.  “I defeated the entire host of the Gay Lords at the battle of Mulgen Field.  What threat do you think you could pose me?”

The Dr. laughed. “Perhaps, or perhaps I was far more clever than you and poisoned you when I cured your ail.  With out the root of the white fern you shall perish in only a few weeks time.”

Yarsen knew the White fern grew in the near by Western Wood, but the wood was ruled by the wicked Goblin Clan.

Battle Art

And here is some more art, this image depicts two goblins of the western wood attacking a Gay Lord of the north.

Book of Tharasis 41:9

The young prince was grateful that the mysterious Dr. Feel good had cured his ail, but he was beginning to regret the oath he had taken to help the Dr. defeat a strong hold of “medical professionals.”  He had heard of  the deeds of such men who washed and cut and subdued their patients with mysterious gasses rather than the traditional autumn rum.  But he wondered why the Dr. so wanted them dead?

“What is your game,”asked the prince?  “Why do you so wish to defeat the medical professionals?”  

“ In due time,” said the Dr. “All will be clear.”

His words did little to silence the prince’s fears.

Book of Tharasis 40:9

The young prince was stricken with a strange illness to the end that he could only stand.  Though he would sit or lay atop a feather bed after only a moment he would spring to his feet again and pace the length of his room.  

The local lord who hosted him was distraught by his prince’s condition.  He called forth alchemists and necromancers to aid the boy, but none could cure his ail.  After days the prince was tired and all were scared.

Finally a mysterious man in a leather apron came to the prince’s side he carried a great wooden box filled with potions and terrifying tools of his trade.  He observed the boy for only a moment before he made his diagnosis.

“wrestles leg syndrome,” proclaimed the mysterious man.  “And I Dr. Feelgood can tell you how to cure your ail, but I must ask for your assistance in a certain matter.”

Book of Tharasis 30:2

Caked in mud and dung the great lord of the Gay Lords trembled beneth Yarsen and his brave band.

"You have broken my host, slain my kin, and bested me in single combat... but worst of all, these stains shall never wash out!"

The ragged band of men gathered around Yarsen cheered and hollered.  "Three yelps for the defender of the land prince Yarsen the clever!"  Shouted a young squire.

the men yelped and celebrated into the night.  But as Yarsen watched the sun set across the western wood he knew his quest was far from over.

Contest

Wow our first ever contest!  And the prize is a slightly used copy of a A Clash of kings the second book in George R.R. Martin's fantasy epic.  This is a hard cover 26th edition can be yours for submitting art work or writings to me at thegreatwhitehunterreturns@gmail.com.  The one I favor most will receive this rare treasure valued at nearly $26 (US). 

Good luck, and I look forward to your submissions.

New Logo

The blog's new logo, drawn by yours truly.

Book of Tharasis 29:14

Book of Tharasis 29:14

“The Gay Lords are coming, the Gay Lords are coming!”  Shouted the watchmen from atop his tower.

Young Yarsen peaked over the rotting wooden battlements.  In the distance he could see their host charging forward from the foot hills that lead into the purple mountains to the north.  He could make out their silken capes and brightly colored pantaloons.  They rode atop great white steeds with small bows tied in their manes.  The host lumbered to a halt and one of the lords blew a great horn.  The men shirked and waved their great swords and whips in the air.

Yarsen’s attention was drawn to the muddy court yard below, where a knight of White Spring was razing a racket.  “Let the gods take me before the Gay Lords!!!,” he shouted as he ran a dagger across his wrists and tumbled into a dark puddle.

Yarsen looked below at the remaining few knights and squires, they all seemed shaken by the event.  As he looked from the corpse in the mud to the great host finely dressed in their lordly trappings.  Then he had an idea. He raised his sword and shouted, “None must die on this day, only heed my words, and we may all return home.”

The Great Hunt

Some of you may already know I have an affinity for hunting wolves, well in Mongolia they train eagles to hunt wolves.  Don't beleive? Follow this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Re644qgnCtw

A Great Blog

Here is a link to an interesting Blog I discovered:
http://papersacklifetime.blogspot.jp/2006/11/lies-i-want-to-clear-up-ahead-of-our.html
It hasn't been updated in a while but I found it quite entertaining.

Stand up act part 1

You can’t escape the internet these days.  First it was on computers and everyone was like “yeah free porn.” Then it was on cell phones and everyone was like “now I can keep up with my friends.” Now it’s on these rectangles and everybody watches videos of cats making weird sounds in a card board box.  The most baffling part about this whole evolution is that people insist it has made their lives easier.

Now I know one group has benefited greatly from this whole internet thing the TV people…not the ones form poltergeist either just people who work for TV networks, primarily the news oriented ones.  Now refutable, and I use that term loosely, news agencies just pull stuff off the internet and don’t even attempt to hide it, they just justify it by calling it local reporting. 

What weird backwards era do we live in when CNN can steal footage form a 15-year-olds facebook page and pass it off as a world shaping event.  And to top it all off once they peddle this shit back to the very masses they scavenged it from, they ask you to go back on to your little social networking site and like them or Friend them.  Like a sad little kid on a middle school playground who will give you any of his toys or do your homework as long as you say “come on were friends right? You would do it for a friend?” then you don’t even bother to go to his birthday party a month later.

But it doesn’t matter because let’s face it you have nothing better to do, so you log on and share the link to the link to the link with your three real friends and the other 64 jackasses you haven’t spoken with since high school.  But now you can look like you care because you posted the link to a video about war in Africa.  But then the whole thing back fires when one of your knowledgeable friends posts a link to an article that states that war in Africa is propagated by companies that sap resources form African nations to make computers and cell phones.  And as they sit there on your new mac you realize that you don’t give a flying funk about Africa.

Social networking is something I still have a lot o trouble caring about.  Keeping up with friends is nice… sometimes.  But now all of these sites are saturated by marketing and adds.  Don’t get me wrong I’ll drop by Taco Bell from time to time, but I can’t see myself friending a multinational corporation on facebook, I mean I don’t even know what they’re doing down in Mexico.

Then there is Twitter Which is definitely the worst of these so called societies.  Because it’s so pointless.  What can you say in two sentences that is worth sharing with the world.  Even Einstein who could explain his theory of relativity to an 8-year-old would struggle to describe what he had for lunch in two sentences.

When I was in the navy they had a security campaign that said “loose tweets sink fleets.” First of all a loose tweet sounds like something an align prostitute would suffer from.  Secondly it was a derived from the old WWII “lose lips sink ships” campaign.  And when I say derived from I really mean they just weren’t original enough to make up anything new.