The Tome of Martals 40:12

"For the gay king in the north," shouted the crowd in unison.  The young Gay Lord stepped forward and bowed. "My predecessor died without issue, as the Gay Lords so often do.  But I will lead with honor and dignity as he did before me.  The crowd cheered again.  Though our host was smashed our solders are slowly returning, as I speak many of them are being refitted with clean cloaks and this seasons boots.  Soon our forces will be poised to strike again and the men of the west will know the wraith of the Gay Lords."

St. Patty

Once again Saint Patrick's Day came and went again this year without me noticing.  Which once again brings up one of the great questions of our age... Why do the Irish worship leprechauns (the people not to be confused with the movie)?  I could understand if the film the holiday was based on was serious but in my humble opinion Leprechauns (the movie not to be confused with the people)  was one of the most over rated comedy films of the 80's and the 80's was one of the most over rated decades of time. 

I have conducted much research on the Internets trying to shine some light on this cult.  And thus far I have made 2 verifiable discoveries.

1. Leprechauns are in fact from space.
2. Barack Obama's real name is Berry Soetoro.

Perhaps my confusion would be less confusing if I could understand the connection between leprechauns and the rise in power of the gay community.  It will most likely take years of tireless research but I suspect I will inevitably discover the truth behind this strange holiday.

The Tome of Mortal 30:19

"We are warriors sworn to the service of the Sky Lord," proclaimed the bearded warrior.

"And tell how you know the will of the Sky Lord?"  Asked Ted.

"How dare you question our means.  We know the will of the Sky Lord as a Bird knows it's way east, we tend to his teachings as a lamb would tend to it's clutch of eggs."

The Tome of Mortals 30:18

"If you wish to prove your love to this woman before Carpathias court, then make love to her anus, here and now for all to see."

The Tome of Mortals 30:9

"enough with these bards of antidotes, Carpathia declares this lude form of humor is no entertainment fit for Carpathia's court."

With a clap of Carpathia's hands the 'comedian' was put to the spear and his body was tossed from a window to a cesspool.

"Now bring me a troop of tumblers and a dwarf for some proper entertainment."

The Tome of Mortals 29:3

"I wish only passage for myself and my seven sworn warriors as well as my hound as far as Fair Harbor," said Yarsen to a sailor carrying a barrel onto the pier.  "We carry our own provisions an are willing to pay in silver if needed."

The sailor paused for a few seconds examining the group in their fine blue cloaks and mirrored armor. "You are Yarsen  king of Daros and guardian of Castel Fair Weather."

"Indeed, but that is a fact I would like few to know."

"Is it true you fought the Gaylords, and defeated them?"

"Yes. I smashed their host and bested their king at White Spring."

The sailor seemed intrigued, "we would be glad to have such a lord aboard our fine ship.  Follow me."  The sailor beckoned the down the pier.  "May I ask the king what he learned from the Gaylords."

"I learned that the sword offers no mercy!" exclaimed the king.

"And what of their ways?" Asked the sailor as he eyed the young king.

Yarsen did not answer the sailor but turned to his loyal warriors. "Perhaps we need to find another means of passage."

Computer Goblin

Something on my desk.

Help Wanted!

I am looking for an animator to assist me in creating a web series based on this blog.  I willing to grant a great amount of artistic license to anyone interested.  The down side is I cant offer a lot...or any money for this task but I can offer a limited edition Goblins 2.1  t-shirt.  For anyone interested please contact me at thegreatwhitehunterreturns@gmail.com

The Tome of Mortals 28:9

"I fail to see how this sewer system will make life easier for Carpathians slaves?"

"Great leader" replied the builder.  "Once we dig the trenches for waste water can easily purge the syst..."

"Silence," interrupted the great leader Carpathia.  "If there is no poop in the city... what will the young lover eat?"

The Tome of Mortals 11:32

"Wizard we have come to seek your wisdom and invoke your power," proclaimed Von-Ryan as he held up his golden sword.

"One does not seek magic, magic will do as the sky Lord commands.  And his lord ship is commanding me to teach this vain youth before me a lesson he will not soon forget."  With a gasp the wizard of the west lifted his arms into the air.  Suddenly he flung his arms toward the young king and wiggled his fingers while going whe whe whe.

After a moment he collapsed in exhaustion. 

"You are protected from my mighty magic.  But how?"

The Tome of Mortals 23:16

"We have traveled and overcome many obstacles and battled foes beyond count.  And now our goal lies just beyond these doors," proclaimed Ted.  "If the legends are true, and the arrow of destiny is correct, within this chamber rests the helm of the golden king.  A relic so powerful that it makes it's wearer nigh invincible."

Sloven Stine and a pair or slaves pulled open the heavy doors, plated in tarnished silver and carved with ancient rhunes.  The men walked through the threshold into the dark chamber.  Ted pushed past one of the slaves and scampered to the far end of the chamber where he paused before a dark alter.

"After a century of searching I have finally found the helm!"  With his gaunt hands ted carefully lifted the helm from it's alter dispersing centuries of dust particles that soon filled the chamber.

"ahhh... it's all dirty," proclaimed Ted as he dropped the helm to the floor.  "I don't want a dirty old helm," said the wizard as he wiped his hands on his sacred robes.

The Tome of Mortals 16:5

The wizard pondered for a moment.  "I will evoke the spell, but to do so I will require a magic item.  The thallus terramoris as it was referred to in the forgotten speech."

"The cock rock" replied Von-Harris. "Said to be the petrified genitals of a monster from the age before time.  A cursed object if there ever was one."

Von-Ryan gauffed "so be it you will have this cock rock if that is your price."

Cock Rock